Overstimulated
endlessly devoted to suffering.
To stim, or not to stim, that is the question. Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer, rather than fidget, the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune in company/community or to take up arms against a sea of people that overstimulate you.
I struggle with social burnout in a way that makes me feel guilty for being social. There is a part of me that needs it. That craves community attentions, to feel a part of something larger than myself. And yet, I am reminded of a feeling. A feeling that feels…trapped, manufactured, toy-like. A snow globe. The idea that you live inside of one. Waiting to be shaken for another’s amusement.
A bit like “dance monkey, dance” but more depersonalized. As if my person is acknowledged, enjoyed, but not understood. I wake up feeling anxious after each day of interactive play. I am, at times, removed from the play. Staring from above wondering how I got there. Omnipotent in my own right, but powerless to stop the show when I need to.
Social hangovers leave me feeling not only drained, but guilty. Guilty for the enjoyment, but distrustful of how I was perceived. Did I say too much? Did I emote too much? Was I TOO MUCH? Too loud, too bombastic, too opinionated, too abrasive. And even so, I do not know why it matters.
Do you, truly, hear what I’m saying or am I a joke…to you? A character to play with, a scene to experiment inside of. Am I really even here, or am I in the globe that you’ve decided to entertain yourself with in the form of snow fall and a violent shake.
The foundations of my being, being questioned as I wake up anxious, drained, and exhausted. I do not know why this feels so weird. Am I so skeptical of others that I manufacture entire performances? Do I resent my own ability to hold attention? Am I, really, just full of shit stacked high upon itself like a mound of useless excess.
Am I too much because I will it into existence and use it as evidence against myself, because it is to be, or not…to be.
Do I suffer at my own hand.
What a fucking question.